Here are the funnies from Issue #4.
To see the Old Funnies, go here.
Signs Spotted Around the World
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you ahve any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
Doctors office, Rome:
Specialists in women and other diseases.
Hotel, Acapulco:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
Cooles and heates: If you want just condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
When passenger of of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodioiusly at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
Drop your trousers here for the best results.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
On the grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission.
On an Athi River highway:
Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
On a poster at Kencom:
Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.
In a City restaurant:
Open seven days a week and weekends.
One of the Mathare buildings:
Mental helth prevention centre.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
Do not activate with wet hands.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
No children allowed.
In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviors in bed.
Hotel notice, Tokyo:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to had notis.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.
Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
Please do not bring soliciters into your room.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
This lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasire is the job of the chambermaid.
Hotel, Japan:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
Youa re welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascenesion.
Taken from a menu, Poland:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet, soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten in the sountry people's fashion.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, effecient self-service.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractos have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
Hotel, Vienna:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden in our Black Forest Camping site that people of differnt sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless theya re married with each other for this purpose.
Hotel, Zurich:
Because of the imprproety of entertaining guests of the opposite sexin teh bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest methodists.
A laundry in Rome:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.
In the window on a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice cream.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Corporate Condoms
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. Just a few examples ....
NIKE condoms: Just do it.
PEUGEOT condoms: - The ride of your life.
SONY condoms: - Do not underestimate the power of Sony Condoms.
MICROSOFT condoms: - Where do you want to go today?
KFC condoms: - Finger Licking Good.
M&MS condoms: - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
SAFEWAY condoms: - Lightening the Load
ABBEY NATIONAL condoms: - Because life's complicated enough
COCA COLA condoms: - The Real Thing.
EVER READY condoms: - Keep going and going....
ESSO Condoms: - The eye of the Tiger
PRINGLES condoms: - Once you pop, you can't stop.
BURGER KING condoms:- Home of the Whopper.
GOODYEAR condoms: For a longer ride go wide"
VAUXHALL condoms - Raising the Standard ...
PHILIPS Condoms - Lets make things better.
BT condoms - Stay in touch...
ONdigital condoms - Plug and Play...
RENAULT condoms- size matters
From Good Housekeeping 1955
The Good Wife's Guide
1) Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
2) Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
3) Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide.
4) Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
5) Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
6) Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will f eel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. Afterall, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
7) Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They a re little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
8) Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
9) Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
10) Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
11) Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
12) Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
13) Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. A good wife always knows her place.
Sinnin' in the Church
These are actual clippings from church bulletins, many bordering on hilarious. It's amazing what a little proofreading would do.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. Prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Ned Olympics
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organisers of Govan's Olympic bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area (preferably from the Drumoyne area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Govan's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local Govan athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven(one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles: car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, sniffing glue, joyriding and arson.
SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off a bridge into the river. Any survivors will be awarded medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
The Scots' take on the American "Election"
This was a reaction to England's reaction to the Election Fiasco in America. An e-mail was circulated with England's offer to take over America again since we don't know how to elect officials. This is Scotland's response. Subject: Revocation of Imperialistic Licences
In the light of recent events and reactions the people of the country of Scotland wish to communicate the following to our English neighbours:
Due to the fact that England has proved itself incapable of keeping hold of any little bits of land it waltzed into over the past few centuries, and further has been unable to identify the difference between itself and the other countries it is in fact physically joined to, the Scottish people believe it only fair that they should take over your recent stab at looking after the USA.
We will do this properly.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth the FIRST (of Scotland) and second of England and Wales is a fine old dear and should still be allowed to shake the hands of Americans and invite them for a wee dram at beautiful estate of Balmoral (which she has always preferred to the smog and noise of your quaint capital city anyway).
In order for this all to go smoothly, a few more rules for John Bull will be enforced by The Scottish Executive.
- Tony Blair will be made first secretary for the USA, as his smiley well-sincere (but not really ...) style would go down well on 'the other side of the pond'. This will also get him off the British Isles and will mean fewer television grins over here.
- The Commander for the Scottish empire will, of course, be Ewan MacGregor - because he can, sort of, do all 3 accents. (And the Americans think the Force is with him, apparently.)
- The goodwill nature of England's bid for the old US of A is well noted, and in order to foster good relations between Scotland's 2 new colonies, we would be happy for Thora Hird to act as a mediator for things to run smoothly at first. (We're assured that she can bring her own home baking as well.)
You will be allowed to keep your queer little game of cricket in the hope that it keeps you out of trouble. The Americans can keep baseball. But WE would like to teach you all how to play football, if that's OK. You will remember the first lesson at Wembley recently. Kevin Keagan might choose not to.
As to the war on France. Well, you see, we (the brave Scots) have this sort of relationship with the French - called the 'Auld Alliance' and we'd rather you didn't bugger it up with ICBMs. We also have pretty good relations with the Irish, the Australians, and ... well, everyone, really. We will teach you how to do this.
On the note of ICBMs, we will be relocating the British contingent from the Holy Loch at Dunoon to the river Thames.
And about the invasion of Scotland in lots of different centuries in the pastäWe feel pretty confident that teaching America about democracy should come from a country which has understood the concept for some time.
And why did you always get to come up here and enjoy the scenery anyway? Should a fracas be necessary in future, couldn't we just arrange a porridge-eating competition on neutral ground (say Barbados) so that every one gets the chance for travel?
Despite our understandable reservations about your diving in to snatch the US, we like the idea and are nicking it from you. (A sort of fair trade for your advertisement the world over that 'Englishmen' were responsible for Television, the Locomotive, the Industrial Revolution, Penicillin, and pretty much every good idea since James VI of Scotland had to come and rescue you last time.)
Thank you for your cooperation, and if you need any more advice in the
future, don't be afraid to ask.
